Epsiode Transcript Welcome to Find Your Grit. Today I'm here with Taylor Donaldson. Taylor, thank you for joining us. Thank you for having me. Most recently, about a month and a half ago, would it be? Yeah, maybe like two months. Oh, two months ago, you had to reach out to me on Instagram and said, hey Grant, could you call me any little bit of advice, what's going on? And we hadn't talked for a while until that. And so immediately I picked up the phone and I just gave it a call. And I said, what's going on? 00:30 And you described to me something that was a little, that hit home. It was familiar to the story and kind of what was going on in my life as well. And we were talking for almost two hours and we got a lot out of that. And that was just days after. So you wanna go into it a little bit and kind of. 00:47 Kickstart a little bit of what that incident was that kind of connected us. Yeah, so that and you know that conversation really did just flow it went Into we were gonna just kind of just touch base and then catch up and it just went into a wow Like you understand where I'm coming from But so my brother, you know, he was in a motorcycle accident on April 12th and he was on his way to work I remember I was on my way to appointment was leaving work and I get a call from my dad and he was just like What are you doing? He did it so not 01:17 a lot and he was like what are you doing driving to my appointment? 01:22 All right, well, your brother's been flown to UMMC, shock trauma, and I was like, what? Started freaking out, bawling my eyes out, didn't know what to expect. You know, you hear flown, medevaced, you're thinking the worst case scenario. Yeah, of course. Shock trauma, you know? And so I rushed over there, you know, I couldn't see him within the first 24 hours. So I went home and then they kind of explained it a little bit more to us to where he was conscious and he was like, you know, I was driving 01:52 caught his wheel well and ended up kind of dragging and letting his bike go about 150 feet downhill yeah and he was like in a ditch laying there looking at his foot left foot like mangled just mangled in half 02:10 And then we talked to the paramedics and everything, and they were like, you know, he saved his life. He put pressure on it. He created his own, you know, tourniquet. And he ended up saving his own life. And then they medevacked him out into UMMC shock trauma, where he had really good care there, honestly. Yeah, it was scary. And we didn't know what was gonna happen. Kept talking to doctors. And that's where they were just like, you know, 02:40 repairable yeah it is there's nothing you can do with it and we want you to be able to still have range you know he's 34 35 and so they took they did like a below-the-knee amputee and then when I found that out I just I'm an 02:59 So I just went into that, oh my gosh, what is he thinking? What's he going through? He was already angry a little bit before that, I imagine now, and it was just a lot. And then we just kind of went from there. How long was he in shock trauma for? Surprisingly, he got there, I think Wednesday, and he was out after the weekend. Wow, and how soon did they call you and say this life needs to go? 03:27 Probably within hours of it happening, like right away. I think I reached out to you is because I wanted to know, because I'm such an emotional person, I wanted to know how did you handle that? You know, you went through a similar accident, whatnot, and you started from the bottom and came up, and it's like, how do you deal with that? And in that moment, when you're in crisis, you really do go to what's gonna, who's gonna make more sense to me? I haven't talked to you in years, but you knew what was going on in similar past. 03:57 I'm okay with reaching out and asking for a little bit of help because I was lost I couldn't turn to my family because they're going through the same thing They're just trying to figure it out too. You put the expectation on your family in the sense of your parents They should know everything they're human just along with you Yeah, you got to take that expectation off and realize who's your people what boxes are they gonna check off? Yeah, because not one person is gonna check off every single box That's why you have different people in your corner, of course So I'm sure glad you reached out because I could tell you 04:27 That conversation that we had initially was something really cool and I'm glad we had that and I'm glad it led us to this and Just like being able to go through something and you're able to relate to someone else Sometimes you know it goes right back to if I didn't speak up enough then I wouldn't have the company I wouldn't be able to even have a anything for someone to say yeah There's someone like maybe I can just reach out to them So it's a place to be able to reach out to and say man. I'm stuck in a rut How do I get out? well come along a journey with us because 04:56 is what it's all about. When you had gone through that and he got back home apparently shortly, what was it like getting back home? So everything was normal. 05:07 And then in a blink of an eye, boom, something happened. That's how you know, like it's an unexpected event. So you go into that survival mode that quick, okay, what can we do to help? What do we do? You can't personalize it, you can't internalize it. So what can I do to help? So he ended up moving in with us. They're still living with us for a little bit just because it was the best environment to have the support, being able to have round the clock care, even just mentally having support 05:37 sitting there all day drives someone like insane. even if you're not injured it drives somebody insane if you're sitting there doing absolutely nothing. so he moved in and we've just been taking it day by day honestly. the beginning was hard though because I remember watching him first time like falling. yeah. because you're watching them redo everything all over again. they're learning it but they also need to feel comfortable to 06:05 be able to fall and feel okay to fall and not be embarrassed and not feel like, Oh, this is embarrassing. I can't do this. Like, no, this is a 06:15 life change you have to be able to do this so you got to support them but it hurts when you watch him i watched him fall he like tripped on a crutch and fall right at the table i had to go inside because i got so emotional yeah i've never seen someone who's so independent you know fall so it's it's hard yeah well that's i could tell you it's really weird to be honest hearing what stages you're going through right now and how we've just came up on the second year 06:45 things held in importance and it kept going and but independence came along the way over time and that new sense of life was really what became habitual to what we did every day around him so like that inner circle the meaning of that inner circle over time wasn't of what we did specifically but those falls then mattered because as the more that they came it was more of an understanding that this is now reality and then the opportunity to be able to help the most 07:15 time that you know I'm out in emotion and it's not helping the situation as a whole as impactful I guess as I wanted it to be. Yet they had to figure it out themselves and you have to be able to keep yourself together while they're keeping themselves together and it's very hard and I can tell you that you know life gets filled with a lot of distractions that you think that are coping mechanisms when really you're just trying to survive doing the best 07:44 and understand that your whole family is obviously everybody's completely different and everybody's in crisis mode so like you're trying to figure it out and you're trying to hold it together and your crisis mode is completely defined differently than your mom's and your dad's and so it's it's really hard they look at me and they're like oh my gosh where's all this emotion coming from and i'm like from the inside yeah this is genuine this is how i feel i look at you and 08:14 my heart, it hits my heart and I cannot help that. It's my biggest strength and my biggest weakness. And that's the truth. And well that will lead me into you know what you do for a living. And so Taylor is a psychiatric rehab therapist at John Hopkins. Also what you're doing every day is really helping others find other ways to have coping mechanisms to get through the worst of the worst and then create the best of the best. And so I wanted to get into a little bit of what you do 08:44 Well, what's crazy is I don't think I in the beginning when I went to school First off in high school. I didn't even really pay attention to school I was softball trying to do all that went into college Was trying to learn my life have fun do the experiences and I went in for forensic science And then I started taking the classes and I was like, oh no 09:06 Like I don't know science, I don't know any of this, so I'm not doing it. So then I took an Intro to Psychology course and I was like wow, like this flows, this is natural, this is stuff I care about, this is why people do what they do, how, and what affects all of it. This is what makes the world go round, is your mind. So I got so into it and then taking more classes and I started doing good in school and I really started to push myself because I cared. 09:36 That was my passion. That is what I was born to do. So I did some internships, and then once I graduated college, COVID hit. So I took a year off, goofed off. I served, which is great money, but it didn't save it. And so then I was like, all right, it's time to get up, do something different. And I applied to Hopkins, got the job. They were very familiar with me for my internship, and I've been working there since last February. Isn't that cool? Yeah, I love it. 10:06 And I love what I do. You know, I deal with people every single day, teaching them what they wanna know. Not based off of me, it's based off of so many different personalities and so many different diagnosis and different struggles and what are we trying to get them resource wise? Yeah. It's interesting to hear when you say, which I can 100% relate to the fact that, well, my empathy and emotion is the best to me, but it's also the worst to me. But yet you find a job that makes it, you know, 10:36 of you and how it really helps shift your kind of coping because you're not then you're working through it so then what I was gonna get into next was now you have your job it's set up now this accident happens and then I wanted to talk about the piece inside of you and how you're trying to play survival mode and also help other people and you know kind of live life in their shoes for a moment to help them while you're going through your own how does that feel and how did you get through it I think it actually makes it better it makes it a 11:06 easier and it makes you be able to be a lot more resilient into the like these circumstances because while I'm going through it you're listening to what everyone else is going through and it kind of gets your mind off of it but it also makes you feel normalized and like you have that support that you're not just there for them they're there for you and they care just as much as you care for them yeah so like when you have that reciprocation you have that support you feel open to being able to be emotional let those emotions out and 11:36 When you hold them in, what do you think it's going to do? You know, it's going to break you down, it's going to tear you apart, but then as soon as you get those emotions out, you're like, wow. 11:46 My stress levels have gone down because I was able to release that energy of how I really feel. Yeah. In my job, you know, I work with a lot of great people. I've turned a lot of my coworkers into best friends. Yeah. And they've really listened. You know, everybody has tips. Yeah. That's normal. And that's another thing I've learned is like the conflict is what grows you because you set boundaries. You learn all of these different things. You set boundaries for yourself and what you can handle, what you can't handle. I believe helping others in general, 12:16 Especially when you're going through a complete... It helps. I mean, man, if you're going through hell itself and you have a job and occupation that helps you get out the empathy and make a difference, that's the most beautiful job to have. That's why I love the job that I have. To get that received back, it's like someone's answering back to you. You feel understood, but yet it's because they feel understood. It's a fair trade. And just getting paid for it is kind of a bonus when you're able to make a difference 12:46 how much they make a difference in our lives is like what's wild to me and it blows me away. I always say to them, like I have so many different patients and I really do build a connection with them because I'm human, I'm there for a reason. Of course. Because I wanna be genuine and I wanna be raw to the sense of you're not getting that from your therapist, like you're not getting that from your psychiatrist. I'm here to be like push you and say no, like get up, do what you need to do because it all starts within you. And I feel like, I don't know, they just, they change. 13:16 They really do because... 13:19 When I'm going through something, you're listening to these stories and it really does put you in the perspective of someone's always going through something. There's worse out there too. And maybe there's less worse, but either way someone's always going through something. So you handle it together. You manage it. Yeah. And it's hard. It's unfair to even make comparables to what the stories are, but you nailed something on the head and that receiving is the same as that I gave to my stepdad and I'm sure you're going through with your brother. 13:49 to take care of myself. I really had to understand that my perspective and that social intelligence though it comes in handy when you know you need it. It does. Because truth has a ring to it and you can feel when someone really wants that help it's not really what they say it's what they don't. And it's the look in their eyes, it's the emotion, it's the you know you get it from a mile away. You can tell. Yeah. There's times where I talk to people and they say something and I'll use my brother for example because like I 14:18 one because I can't put you know words into anyone else's voice but I know that when I ask him something he's like I'm good I'm fine like I can see it I can see in your movements I can see in the way you're staring at things it's because I'm paying attention right not paying attention to what you're saying I'm paying attention to the actions I'm paying attention to the body movements and the body language of you know anybody could walk in a room and put their shoulders up and walk around all confident but if they come in and they start talking negatively 14:48 Yeah, right. Oh, I see the difference in that. Oh, 100% and it's you have to be really, you know That was no suit. It was Not at all because being a life coach like when you when I'm looking at people and I'm reading their body language I have to be so confident and be intuitive with their emotion that like I say when it's not something that they say It's almost they speak louder, but after listening being such a helpful tool perspective 15:18 It was understanding that my emotions I kept telling myself at that time They're like where you're exactly at right now when it began and you know other things kind of took place and To the storyline of you know of tragedy I guess if you want to call it or PTSD that had reoccurred from it But in the midst of it, I wasn't thinking about anything I was just I would I need to survive and through that survival is able to really make an impact Through success and other people and myself, but yet it wasn't meant for that 15:48 you just do it. We, so I teach a class recovering abstinence like so we teach psychoeducational groups at that program daily and it kind of whoever needs it comes in so in recovering abstinence we talk about how 16:04 It's not even just think about a substance. Think about an addiction in general to where, you know, say you're in crisis mode, you're trying to stay busy. So your quick fix, I'm going to put that in parentheses. Your quick fix is staying busy, going to help someone build something, work out, go get ice cream, et cetera. That's your quick fix to help you feel better in that moment. But it's a quick fix. Yeah. Last for 20 minutes. And it's not a healthy coping mechanism because it's always going to come back. It's deeper than that. So you've got to figure out. 16:34 making me feel this way. Why? What can I do about it? Of course. A quick fix will make you feel great. A quick fix to me a lot of people do without even having to be an addict and it's not a coping mechanism. A lot of people keep going along with it. I've had a talk with a client of mine and he had asked me man all these thoughts in my head they're habitual they keep happening every single moment. They're ruminating. They're ruminating. No matter what happens I go right back into this shovel. For a reason. And I think about it and I think about you know now that it's raining outside 17:04 it comes down on top of the roof and hits the gutter, it'll hit the same pathway every time. Or it's not going towards a good route, then I got to reroute that. And if that pathway of life and let's say your mind keeps going and going and ruminating and it's a habitual habit and you say okay well I just need to fix it, it's very hard to steer that water away. Especially when it pours because you're not in control of when it's gonna come. You're feeding it. Exactly. And it takes time. And over time I feel like a lot of people fall off when they don't realize 17:34 Take a look at it. You can see research studies to say that it takes about days or hundred and then like okay So just like the metaphor of water going down the same way every time it rains and you want to try to steer it Another way, you know it it's always gonna trickle down a little bit as you're going through it So finding coping coping mechanisms while you're going through that is the hardest thing because you have to attach no Emotion no ego to be able to view your own issues and what you're going through 18:04 objectively while you're so in tune with everybody else. So now you got to figure out boundaries with you first before so then now you can help the patients and your family and create a new pathway for your mind to go. Yeah and you you definitely have to be open-minded like what you said where going back to the coping mechanisms when everybody's trying to find a coping mechanism the number one thing is everybody's different. Yeah. What works for me isn't 18:34 from the next person so that's why they say be open-minded because don't just shoot it down after the one try try different ones because you know when I first started meditation mindfulness yeah you know the act of trying to be in that present moment I'm very anxious person I'd be chilling but I'm an anxious person I overthink and then I over my think and over analyze into the 19:04 attacks. So I've learned to create different mo- look, mo-canisms? Covey mechanisms. Covey mechanisms to help, that helps me. So mine was really getting in tune. I would have so many thoughts, how do I slow those thoughts? How do I create my brain to be able to control the thoughts that come in and out? So I would go into meditation or sit outside and start 19:34 And once you really focus in on that, that's what the mindfulness meditation is where, oh wow, I'm not thinking about the bill I have to pay. I'm thinking about how that bird's on that tree right now or that squirrel's trying to go get a nut or something. You know what I mean? So when that comes in handy, you learn to control your thoughts. Somebody, one of my clients, patients, whichever, besties, they told me one time, they're like, do you know who you should think of? 20:03 There's a river and leaves flow in and out. So that's your thoughts thoughts are always meant to come and go come and go But it doesn't mean you hold on to every single thought right and that's what we do We think that every thought that comes into our brain is true Absolutely not relying to ourselves right that's like people with you know, low self-esteem if you're talking bad to yourself It doesn't mean it's true. It's mean that's how you're thinking So you're believing it you're creating that habit of talking down to yourself 20:33 Your motivation goes down. Everything's affected so what you just said is like You first know when you catch your thought and then you're aware Yeah, and then you have to substitute it and break the path and you got to break the habit 20:46 what you described as the mindfulness, I would just say is in other words, living in the present moment. Absolutely. Because then those thoughts don't hold a purpose at that time. So there's no negotiating. I don't care how analytical you are, those thoughts of anything. You're just thinking about it. Past, it's a closed door. Future, I don't care if it's open or not, you're focusing on your breathing, you're focusing on right now. And the truth is, if I were to ask you, I'd say, Taylor, do you think the sun's going to come up tomorrow morning? What would you say? Probably. And why? Because it's, I don't know. It happens every day. Oh. It happens every day, right? 21:16 I told you I wasn't good at science. So like the fact is it's like so whatever if I have to find that something I do I always tell you know clients mind and I say find something that you can physically do first so then you can find yourself in the present moment don't go just straight into how do I change my mindset jump into a cold shower you know I'm a firm believer in cold baths I know you were too and you know when it comes to discipline find discipline to then give you structure. 21:46 going to help you redefine and know that my wins outweigh my losses. So who am I trying to negotiate with? Because at the moment of that I have a thought that comes in. I think of myself, why would I dare take any more moment going into it when I can quickly file it under one cabinet and say delete. It doesn't hold a purpose to where I'm at now. And that word failure or regret or that self-inducing anxiety that we give ourselves all the time are based upon false information. How to cycle for expectations. 22:16 And those expectations are based upon false realities because your mentality does become your reality Yeah, and I had a psychotherapist tell me one time I was talking what the minutes was after you know all these events after the accident took place and he told me I mean tell me something about yourself grant or so you wanted to today's show but let tell me something about you and he Wanted to get deep and he asked me a couple questions. So for once I got deep, you know The first thing he told me he said that sounds good. Um, how do I even know if that's true? Oh and that and right there 22:46 was stopping my tracks. In my head I was thinking... 22:49 This motherfucker, he has no, like, I was like, let me show you how true I am, but that fact that you're projecting. You can't do it, you preempt yourself and that's it. Well right, but, and like the thought though is that anybody that you're telling a story to or your day, it's just a projection of how you're feeling inside, so it's like a movie line. If I focus on a secondary character after watching the same movie five times, it creates a different outcome. It creates a different movie, and narrative changes. And I think that that's what's so important about 23:19 Our minds are gonna change so when they do how do we take on to that you adapt? Okay, so like let me ask you this What are three things that you would say to one of your patients besties? Whatever you would say that come along three pieces of advice that you would give them or someone struggling with mental health The number one is to It's okay to not be okay. There you go. I really is But see because it should be used more it's okay to not be okay 23:49 because the number one thing and reason why people don't reach out is because of the stigma on mental health of oh I have a mental health like diagnosis. I'm crazy. No, that's that's BS. Honestly, yeah, because if You look in the I'm gonna get real terms right now DSM 5 24:09 There's so many different things, so many different diagnosis, so many different disorders, you know, everything that would be considered a mental health. Maybe you just didn't go and get help and you don't even know about it. Yeah. Because you're scared to get help or because you don't want to say it because it hasn't been talked about enough. Right. But now with 24:27 You know, bless everybody, but now with everyone, you know, taking their own lives and doing all that mental health is coming up more because they're realizing that we need more people to talk to. It's okay to not be okay. That's a good number one. Yeah, that's the number one. Uh, number two, I would say to always reach out for help. Like you always have support, even when you don't think you do. There's times where you go through these crisis and you feel so alone, even though there's so many people around you, but it's because you're in your head space. You're in your mindset. 24:57 want to bother somebody or put that burden on them but the people that love you love you for a reason they're gonna love you no matter what that's a good number too number two very true shoot three is a magic number um I think three would be you're not alone 25:19 It kind of goes back to number one where someone's always going through something. You just might not see it. Some people show it better than others. Some people hide it better than others. So don't be afraid to or don't assume, don't prejudge on people because you never know what someone's going through. And that's why they always say talk kind to others, you know, talk kind to even those strangers that maybe they yelled at you on the side of the street, but maybe they just lost, you know, one of their best friends and that's their projection. Yeah. You can't take everything personal. Yeah. That's another thing. I. 25:49 always have everyone quit taking it personal because sometimes it's almost like a selfish thing where we all think about oh are they mad at me? Are they this? Are they not doing it because of this? It's not about you. It's about them and how they're feeling at that time. Yeah. Wow. Well I'll tell you that's a good theory and that's money in the bank when it comes to really talking about the overall society. You tell them Hungarian. They're talking with my hands and I'm like I'm the same 26:18 better when I'm like you know like this is how I go. Jersey Shore pumping it and I talk a little bit better. No but you're right and I would just say out of those three they all have correlations to everything every three that you have start with one you don't have to go in any particular order yet if you go to the third one and just realize you know I love 26:40 I hate when I hear motivational speakers say, if you wanna be happy, just be happy. Well then at the same time though too, what I do love is that something that gives a, there's an active, you know, it's active, then it's reactive. Knowing that if you wanna be happy, do something that makes you feel in the present moment, not alone. And when you feel alone, doesn't mean that you're lost. Understand that you're okay not being okay. Understand that just like seasons that come and go, it's gonna be temporary. These moments that are temporary moments, 27:10 hold on so personally as though this is an end all be all but it's not and then we look back and we're like where did I really just stress over that I really just freaked out over that I just find it interesting how our brains always have the potential to grow and generate new pathways like you always have the potential to heal it's literally hardwired into our human experience and I think the routine of what we have every day solidifies that pathway because our brains learn off of that reputation and experiences and then 27:40 that is what comes habitual and then that mentality becomes reality. So in general, what would you think or what would you know to protect and advice to someone else to have their own piece when they give so much of themselves to someone else? 27:57 The number one thing I learned was to take care of yourself. To take care of yourself. First, like, first and foremost, you can't take care of someone else or be there for even your friends or family if you can't be there for yourself. And I learned that the hard way, you know? I was so busy trying to help everyone else that my brain got overwhelmed and I was like, I'm not okay. Yeah. So. 28:22 taking that time throughout the day for yourself, whether it's a five minute break at work to take a walk and look at what's around you rather than what's, what do I have to do real quick or taking a quick shower or not even a quick, but embracing the moment that you're in the shower. Yeah. You know, some people don't have hot water. Think about those things. Yeah. Um, I do journal. I journal a lot. Tell me about that. It's a simple, but it's not. 28:52 last year even before my brother's accident where I was so overwhelmed by what I was trying to do for myself that I was so negative. it was so hard for me to find the positive in any situation and I noticed that and it was reflecting on other people and my relationships and my friendships so then I was like okay I need to take a step back and focus on what I have in front of me the positive so it's a journal of self-care some people think it's corny I love it I think 29:22 It puts you, it's a mindfulness activity. It puts you in the moment. So it just asks, look I have writing in there and you can't read it. But it's like they ask you what your intention is for the day, your positive affirmations, 10 things you love, 10 things that you wanna work on, 10 things you're looking forward to within the next day and you do it every day. And I found myself now looking at people and trying to find the positive in every little thing, even if it's a bad situation. And because life keeps going. 29:52 continues if you stay positive things will come around well you and I have one of the biggest things in common out of everything is we're a story of strength yeah so no matter what you look at anything positive there's no more definition of the word failure or regret or past or anything else other than a present moment what we can do in that the failure is a big one too because someone said to me you don't fail when you lose right you fail when you give up 30:22 Yeah, that's the part of building you that's what makes you stronger That's what you fall and you get back up and you fall and you get back up and you learn your mistakes And then you keep going forward Yeah, so you don't fail when you lose or when you mess up you fail when you give up and you say I'm not doing That because I'm not good at it 30:38 too scared. That's the truth. And go back to your one, two, three, when you ask someone and you say, oh, okay, well, you're not alone. Well, don't be alone. Realize that real quick, other than the fact that it's okay not being okay. But what comes with that is knowing that what you're going through right now holds a purpose, period. So make it worth something. Give it, give it potential, give it purpose, give it meaning, and do it in your own way. So what's the next thing that you use you brought in this book? Yeah, okay. Well, first start on Instagram. So there's this holistic 31:08 the holistic psychologist, which is becoming more and more up there. And I hope I don't say your name wrong, but Dr. Nicole Lepera. So it's how to do the work. And it says, recognize your patterns, heal from your past and create yourself. So, so many times I've realized within my patients and their recovery, they hold onto so much past trauma. There's that word, right? And they go, you know, I've been through this, this, and this, and that's why I am the way I am. That's, that's, you can't live by that because then you'll just continue the same. 31:38 repetition of life and you'll never grow. Things happen, it's horrible, but the best thing is to learn the resilience, to learn the bounce back of, okay, yes, you know, maybe I grew up in a bad past life, how can I use that to my advantage and become what I don't want it to be? You gotta learn. Oh, 100%. And so much of that comes from the dedication in your head, knowing that if I'm not gonna give up, then I'm gonna die for it. Yeah. 32:08 as someone that's willing to die for something, willing to give it their all. So if I know whatever position I'm in right now that I'm looking for the best, that's you've just created so much success just by thinking that way. And by taking a small step like you just did by writing every single day, then what is it? I mean it becomes that habit and that habit is then when you go back like I said when the Sun comes up every morning it's because I know it does because I seen it all the time. So it that then consumes your life and that's what you want to be consumed. 32:38 under is that that pathway to success and knowing that if I go through it myself and I find that then I have to go on this journey alone for some aspects and realize that I get lost in crowds but I actually find myself alone and when I'm alone I'm actually found I can really dive deep into my own emotion and then give worth purpose and then you know give those words the meanings of what they 33:08 of it is and everything we say it's like at the end of the day when you get a smile and be like you know what I'm proud of what I did those small steps are the biggest ones that you take and a lot of people won't take them because they don't justify the outcome to it I think that's a big part of if I'm not gonna I'm gonna do something if I know for a fact it's gonna give me a positive result instead of just doing it and realizing a lot of people are just physical than mental not mental than physical you physically do something and 33:37 Physically doing it and being proud of yourself or at least taking that step and then that gracefulness that comes afterwards comes out of that Discipline and that discipline just like Jocko says equals that freedom which I love that that quote discipline equals freedom Yeah, and that freedom might be peace and that peace might mean happiness It's so true though, because you know like the habits I try to break. I'm like, oh if I only had a little bit more discipline I'd be good to go and it really does come down to discipline But the discipline is led by the mind the mindset because if you're in a bad mindset 34:07 site. 34:09 Okay, so this is how I think of it. How you think is how you perceive. How you perceive is how you kind of reassure yourself and then you act on it, you behave on it, you do all of these things and it's like around and around and around. Yeah, there's a carousel that never ends. So it really does start with the mindset and the discipline and being able to say, okay, well it starts with me. Another big thing is, you know, people are always, well, I have this person of sorts. 34:39 support me and I have this. You have to learn how to support yourself because at the end of the day you only have yourself. Exactly. And that's the number one thing I had to learn is because I didn't know how to be alone. I mean I think last year was my hardest year emotionally even before the accident because I didn't know how to handle being by myself in my thoughts alone because I was so busy with people trying to avoid what was really going on inside. Finally when you sit down you're alone all those thoughts come in you 35:09 and figure out, okay, why am I having these thoughts? If it's the same thought over and over again, maybe it's a change I need to make that then I won't start thinking about it because it's something I'm trying to do. That's why I'm ruminating on it because I won't be happy until I make that thought happen. It's crazy. It is crazy. But although a lot of people find that so far beyond tangible that they don't take that first step of recognition 35:39 That first step of realizing that I'm not okay is number one number two is then what can I do about it? And everything you just said I went through the same as well and yeah, you know as much as I want to say that I felt lost and young and and Immature there was a reason for that. There's a point of that and then when you have to grow up quick You have to realize well Everything in front of me every single day There's something I can take away from because it's so magnified absolutely from a trauma from whatever from just perspective And that's when you're on your side 36:09 journey though because there's a lot of people who I just taught about this last week there's the person who goes day by day by day goes through the motions and it's like this is boring it's because you're making it boring you're not trying to find some type of purpose within each day it comes within you yeah so you got to figure out what's my purpose for the day yeah you know today my purpose was to come up here see all of you guys and I did it happen 36:39 you have to figure out what are you gonna take out of each day because there's always something to learn. Yeah. You learn off your experiences and that's how you grow into who you want to be. Exactly and also by starting that by hitting what am I gonna do today, have no expectation because that no expectation then creates that word failure again and again and makes it harder to kind of steer away a new path of a stream. Yeah. When you keep kind of going back into the same one. Yeah. And you said you know about the destination. I tell clients all the time you know it's funny how when I got into that mindset 37:09 accident and everything else happened in my life, I was on a journey to find that self. I was taking ice baths every single day for almost three years for 15 minutes. I went through three ACL reconstructions in my labor room and then I realized that out of college we graduated the same year so right when I was on my way to go do something it was all changed and I went to hospitality and I felt comfort because I knew I was competing in MMA, I was training these guys, I felt great, I was helping people while helping people and getting paid. But I realized something along the way that all those distractions that I 37:38 were great. All the self-read books or the self-help books that I was reading, they they gave me something. But I'd read a book that was 240 pages long and highlight one sentence. To get to one main point. Exactly. But not one sentence. That one main point. It's everything. It's our experience. Exactly. Which sucks. Right. It's hard, right? You go through the hard ones, you go through the struggles, but your hardest times, your love is points, your biggest struggles are when you grow the most. Yes. Truly. And I that's what I stand 38:08 else can feel different but I feel like when you're really going through it you learn so much because you have to you have to learn how to get through that hurt that I mean that emotional oh gosh am I ever gonna get back am I ever gonna do this are people gonna look at me differently well it's the truth and when you have that mentality of though it's the fight in the dog that I'm gonna get up and get out of them every day then no matter what happens they're just other ways the life to put obstacles that you can 38:38 So even if it's something, like I'm confident, honestly by saying no matter what life brings me, I felt like I've gotten punched pretty damn hard over and over again. You figured it out. I'm not knocked out and I'm going to keep on going. And every spit of blood that I go along the way, well then that's just me just saying, you know what, sometimes it's good to get hit, to get a good reminder. And when you go through something that's a physical feeling, that's an emotion that triggers a response, your heart rate starts to spike, then you have to understand that, you know what, 39:08 useful tool in the right setting as long as I just don't overdose into it and just like every other thing no matter it be alcohol or medication it's the person behind it in your perspective going into it. I've had friends that have died from overdoses and one in particular I didn't hear from from a long time years and years gone by swear to you this is true and he hit me up on the phone and I and he said hey is this Grant? I said yeah I couldn't believe who it was and I said man I literally thought you were dead and he's like man I 39:38 And I said well what 12-step program did you do and that was my ignorance just to say that first You told me he said I just woke up one day, and I said I'm done I'm just done just like that now does that come often no But the power that you have to be able to make that decision is the dedication to say I'm gonna make a difference right now by just making a difference just by believing in myself that Yeah, I just want something different I don't have to explain it and I think mental health is 40:08 that you feel when you're like, well, someone else may not agree. Well, sometimes a lot of people feel those ways, but they're not able to articulate the vocabulary to say it, so then they just don't say it at all. Exactly. And it sucks. Don't be scared to say it. It's hard to, right. And don't be, don't always, and also, when you do say it, don't expect a reaction. Say it for you. Do it for you. Because if someone else doesn't receive it the way that you do, then she's setting up expectations that are unrealistic. I love that you just said that. Let's put a bookmark on that one. 40:38 that was a good one. I always say that is I have so many people come up to me like how are you just you like how do you just say whatever comes up because that's what makes me me if I have a bad response that's on them I don't take it personal because I'm gonna whatever I'm saying I believe and everybody has different beliefs everybody has different opinions and that's how you grow because you have all those different perspectives you put it into one and then you can grow off of another perspective yeah you have to be able to 41:08 All of that and just like you said, you know, I always said to my mom I have a voice That I feel like I need to use. Yeah in the sense of when I'm talking to people I really feel like they understand because I'm being genuine because I'm hitting in the heart where like people don't talk about this stuff Right as you should because maybe I'm too emotional. I love that now I embrace it because more people need to be more emotional or else they would heal Yeah, you have to be sometimes and emotional is a purpose 41:38 You have to go through to get there Yeah, as we were talking before to the podcast about you know being able to just live your life out loud like I always like to say it and I'd rather over share than under share and It's truthfully like how I even got started with the podcast was you're just your book and you would write down I do a voicemail and I'm just rant until I started to send it to clients and I said And people were like man, you're saying exactly what I was, you know feeling and I was like, you know What if it wasn't for me to just hit that send button and have a little bit of that self-confidence that maybe what I'm 42:08 going through someone else can get a little bit of. But that's what propelled me to wanna make a podcast. So it was like being able to talk with the best people, the everyday people, but it's people looking for the best. And that's what makes the best reality become something of you're already gonna find success and be successful by knowing that this is a story of strength and I'm gonna keep going. And you touched on one thing that I wanna go back to because I see it so often is that destination. Like the destination is what we're all looking for. 42:38 you know coaching when I go through it and I have someone come up to me with a goal and immediately if I see a new person and he say well it's because two months from now I want to be like this or because of this incident I need to change this when really I was just talking at a podcast last with this guy Grand Zayac and he had said this and this metaphor which was great and I caught myself saying almost the same thing and but he put it on like the nail on the head and he said it's just like Christmas he's like everybody loves 43:08 and no one knows how to receive gifts, you over eat, you over drink, and then you go back home and be like, can I just get the fuck home? Yeah. But the fun part was getting ready for Christmas. So like every day. But then you don't enjoy it. Exactly. So quit the destination, take the detour, and understand that maybe the glass that I put on my foot walking on my own path is meant for something because it's my own path. Enjoy the travel, the path to the destination. And don't have to. That's the point. Exactly. And not having to feel this need of having to share 43:38 Like you just said that's what made me laugh so much is like you showed me the pages and I see a bunch of words In your book and you're like, but you can't read it and like the truth of it is it's so funny But you know what, you know what it is though. It's only meant for you to read it 100% Or else I would have you know I'm an open book to an extent where I'm an open book what I want to share, right? But what I but I do sometimes over share and like I'm big on anxiety Yeah, a sense of because I personally deal with anxiety I grew up where I was having panic attacks with my sister and being like what's going on? 44:07 What's going on? Like am I dying and then learning how okay? I have these people right now talking me down But I have my mom always said you have to learn how to talk yourself down because when we aren't there What are you gonna do? Medicine can fix a little bit right we talk about how medicine fix the like Nerve transmitters in your brain and whatnot But to an extent I can be on as much medication as you put me on but you're still always gonna have that underlying Why am I freaking out? Why am I overthinking so the holistic comes in? 44:37 What coping mechanisms am I gonna do that's gonna calm me down get me out of my head and realize You can't freak out right now. Of course You can't control what you can't control and as soon as you accept that you become self-aware And you just go from there you take a day by day I used to jump five steps ahead and that's what caused my anxiety was Those high expectations. I'll get married by 25. I'll have a baby. I'll do all that and that it catches up to you 45:07 it's working out that way because you don't need to think that far ahead you need to take it day by day and have the acronym is smart smart is you know specific measurable attainable realistic reliable timely goals right so not like a five-year goal a five-week goal yeah start down break it down and move your way up you know that makes sense perfect sense and I think what really skews and 45:37 opinion is because there's it's so easy for me to pick up my phone and look at a million other people and say well I want to have this baby is it because though do I really want a kid or is it because all my other friends are having them right now to stop comparing dude I mean never compare that oh my gosh I this is all from experience to natural experience I'm okay saying that yeah I struggle with things I yes I struggle with sometimes being low and not wanting to get out of bed and wash my hair like everybody goes through it I'm just a 46:07 comfortable talking about it somebody has to yeah you know and now it's rising up but like it still needs to keep being talked about because it's so normal no one wants to be the first to dance at prom but the first one to dance at prom everybody starts dancing I'll start doing the chicken dance you have to be that person the person that brings the light to the crowd because there's so many people that want to be that person and are so scared but until you make 46:37 The minute you stop caring what other people thinking, caring what they say, everything changes for you. Right. Oh man, that is absolutely very well said. Don't compare. Social media is a burden now. Yes, it's good marketing, but you see all these people now on social media trying to compare. It's a whole culture. All of that. And it's like, you have to find what makes you happy. And if that's getting off of social media for a little bit and finding who you are, do it. Yeah. 47:07 And really it's not hard to starve out the things that are in your life more by saying, well, if social media is a part of my anxiety, then just take it away. It's just like a Whole30 diet. It's like if I don't quite know why I'm feeling a little bloated or a little lethargic, then go ahead and just quit out everything and then start fresh again. And that's when the most amazing part is that your story begins when you pick up your pen and you create the new narrative at any moment in time that you want. And so if you want the storyline 47:37 something of strength well then give it the give it the purpose of strength and give a little bit more intention to behind because that may be a million different things and I think it's up to the individual to decide well which one do I need to start with first just start and if you need to talk it out loud and say it because you'd be surprised of a lot of the people saying I was once there or maybe I'm falling behind I need to get to there and there's a those 48:07 be constructive with it. Yeah. We talked about just the second you just said how someone had asked me a client of mine how do you take criticism how do you take criticism how do you take a compliment? The point is it's that. That's where it's coming from. Right? No it's true though because I will guilty is guilty you know if it comes from 48:27 my mom, my family, even my best friend. You know, there's so many times I go towards my best friend and I'm like, Haley, I know I was being really defensive. I just had to take a second to realize that it was me being defensive towards the criticism. And you have to learn that. And it's okay to admit that. And it's even better to have someone be like, it's okay. Like, I get it, we're human, I'm gonna do it too. So as long as you can accept it when I do it, we're good. So that was the answer was make it constructive. Make it constructive, yeah. 48:57 Just use it to your advantage. They're not saying it to hurt you. Exactly. And if a compliment is constructive, then I can put it in my pocket. I don't have to let it fly over my head. If criticism is constructive, then I can apply it. And then that's really it. And so it's like, you're able to achieve wins by accepting wins and put them in your pocket and then not taking criticism personally. I mean, really though, I'm not. It is hard at times because nobody's perfect. So when you hear it from one person, you're like, well, wait a minute. But that's not why they're trying to do it. 49:27 aren't criticizing you, they're helping you grow. They're helping you. Now you have people who are just gonna hate on you. You have to learn how to take who's your people. Yeah. Who are you gonna trust to give you the good criticism and who are you gonna be like, let them say what they want to say. I would agree 100% I would also say though, find comfort in who's in a mirror first. Yeah. Be okay with realizing that those words of affirmation that matter the most are my 49:57 to rare people that's why you have a small circle matters so much and those words of affirmation really they just matter coming from you so be selective and don't lean so hard on even your mom your dad or whoever may be because they're gone right that and also maybe what they're saying everybody's going through their own path so and that being said it's like if I get great advice from you know a brother and whoever may be it's like human well they might they're going 50:26 me like we had talked about a projection about how they feel on the inside how can I apply something that they they don't apply in their own life but they're giving me advice it's like well it's all has to be constructive you're like oh well they're my parents so they got to be right and then you know what last year I learned they are not right honestly they're probably far from right because I'm learning more on that aspect than they are so I'm actually helping them so sometimes you just got to take it with a grain of salt and keep it going 50:56 It's the truth. But we put a lot of emphasis on mentality, but I feel like even the physical part when we were talking about self-care, what you put into your body is how you feel. If you're putting junk food and not exercising, any of that, that's how you're going to feel. You're going to feel lazy. You're going to have no motivation. So it is important to pay attention, the natural foods. What do you put into your body? Are you taking your medication? Are you showering, hygiene? Are you going out and having a social network? All of these things matter and they add up. 51:26 up. Yup. 110%. And you take a different perspective, but different perspectives are what give that story book, a book that we read, maybe we highlight one sentence and a sentence is what changes everything. And then we read it again and we're like highlighting pages and pages and pages. And then you grasp it a little bit more once you hear it in a different perspective. But yeah, it's interesting that you work now, I mean, you work now at Johns Hopkins. And what I do, I love because I get to see the progress. How will that be going over a couple of these months? 51:56 What's your progress? I'm hands-on helping them get resources, you know, connecting them to jobs and vocational services where all of these great, you know, rehab therapists on the vocational side are out here interviewing these people who maybe haven't worked in years and getting them jobs. Yeah. That's amazing. Yeah. Food bank services, housing services, along with them coming on, teaching psychoeducational groups, and being able to interact with them. I love what I do. Yeah. Oh, I hear you. 52:26 And really that's the best self-equity that I love about my job and being a life coach and If I'm physically training someone if I'm talking with someone and taking sports psychology up and up a notch and then having It could be someone with scoliosis. It could be a professional fighter It could be whoever on the spectrum but the point is is that I wanted to make a difference and that's what made me happy because I wanted to help and then Being able to just take that as the main that was the main vehicle That was the engine but then then you get a you know dissect a little bit more along the way and really feel like okay 52:56 what fulfills me because I sure as hell know the feeling of burning out and being tired but burning up was giving too much and then not receiving it so when you can see answers upon your methodology and your theories of you know this is how I'm going to be able to help and it starts to work and you start to see other people say man really it was just having a different perspective understanding that I was everything that we talked about today then it makes you really you know you're helping people towards a writer's block so then they can write their own story and 53:26 I love doing it and just a conversation alone can't tell you how many people I can even imagine that Listen to this and be like wow like to completely as someone who works as you know John Hopkins to a fitness life coach to whoever made the therapist a psychiatrist. It's it's your approach. It's it's that You have to be able to be aware of your own structure your own method and have tools around you got help that But that's the goal finding yourself 53:56 and understand that you're not alone. So find yourself, but understand that you're not alone. So really on that note, it's been an absolute pleasure to just have a conversation and talk about life and perspective and really as we're learning along, we're able to help others while they're learning along. And as we continue our story of strength, I mean, you're changing a lot of lives along the way and perspective is success. And having that fair perspective 54:26 happiness, it's peace, it's everything but anxiety and depression and what you feel overwhelmed with now is temporary. Always. You can always make a stop right now. Thank you Taylor so much for coming along the way and joining Find Your Grit.